It’s already the end (almost) of tomorrow, which of course is now today, which means that it was a short day.  Although it doesn’t feel like it was just yesterday.   But maybe my day depth perception was made oblique by the fact that I’ve had to settle on yet another level of satisfaction so quickly.  The thought of a liquid diet, taken through the mouth, is actually quite appetizing.  But not today.

The rad burnt a rather large open sore on the side of my tongue which is in a constant state of scream.  And the back of the throat, luckily only screams when swallowing.

It was kind of ego fulfilling to read blog comments like “warrior” or “tough”, but really, I don’t think so.  My p factor was way up there today.

The p factor is a measure of one’s (lack of) gumption or mettle, or determined resistance.  A lack of one’s toughness.  The higher the p factor, the less tough, the closer one is to the sissy bar.  We all have a high p factor (or two) for some things.  It may be speaking in public, riding on a roller coaster,  taking on more responsibility,…the list is endless.  Many use the word “fear”, but a more appropriate measure is the p factor.  (p being the simple acronym for a word rhyming with and similar to wussy).

In any event, my p factor was quite high today as I walked around the apartment holding my head, trying not to concentrate on the pain.  Ridiculous really.  I should have more backbone.  More resolve.  More mettle.  No, today I was a sorry excuse for a warrior.

This afternoon I peddled uptown for a one-on-one meeting and was wondering if my client could hear the funny way I was talking.  There was more I wanted to convey in our meeting, but I kept my mouth shut.  When a colleague from South America called today for a long overdue phone conversation, I couldn’t do it.  Had to switch to an online chat conversation, which was much less efficient.

Nevertheless, the day’s almost over and tomorrow is looking a long way off.  And, I’m extremely grateful for the “gut port” as one friend described it in a comment.  Chemo guy said yesterday that if I’m in pain, just call and they have multitudes of products that take pain away.  If this keeps up and skews tomorrow into today, then I may need to delve into a deeper world of pain meds.  We’ll see where the p factor is tomorrow.

5 thoughts on “w3/d3

  1. JA

    As a parent, you remember the feeling you have when your child is hurt or sick…you “will” the pain away to go away or even wish you could take some (all) of the pain for them, just to have them feel better? Wish I could do that for you now. Sounds like the p factor is hugely relative as the old pain (full of stool) pales in comparison to the new pain. Tomorrow is a new day…one day at a time seems to be the ticket.

  2. Little Sister Lynda

    Dear Big Brother……. You are a great warrior that will hold the flag of victory at the end.We are amazing human beings, we can be fragil yet strong in the same blip moment. The best of warriors do not negate their pain and fear but acknowledge it. We are aloud to cry and still be a warrior. We are aloud to fear and still be a warrior. We are aloud to get angry and still be a warrior. Our souls were meant for sharing and honesty and your honesty in this blog transfroms into strength to others. Keep on, keep on big bro…..Keep sharing your heart

  3. swarrenjr

    Fred-E: I trust you are asleep and the pain has subsided. What a wicked day for you. I am certain I am one of many who marvels at your strength and stamina, despite what you consider otherwise. I shant weigh in on your self-assessment as I think “you are the warrior”! Luv ya mon, swjr

  4. martha c. wood

    Taking you with me wherever I go. Along with all your supporters, I hold your
    pain in my arms. I, we, breathe in and out with and for you. Mother

    1. Throat Cancer 2010 Post author

      yikes. only a mother could make such a (loving) comment. holding my pain and all that breathing is way too deep for this guy. it’s beyond me. moreover, I fear I’d not be able to commit to a reciprocal obligation in my lifetime or this world. but thanks all the same.


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