Experience of gold

I’ve been so free,
          For years,…just me,
Turning down many invitations,
          Those tempting me into relations.
Unwilling to sacrifice the freedom I selfishly behold.


Suddenly,…who is she?
          What could this feeling be?
I saw something in her eyes,
          Her face, her smile, each time a surprise
Wanting to capture,…to have,…to hold.


For the first time ready to share,
          A part of me I didn’t know was there,
Something kept telling me she was the one,
          A constant urge to give here everything,…the sun,
Willing to be true to her if I could be so bold.


But she always stayed far enough away,
          Confusing the direction, keeping me at bay,
Wondering how to control the passion,
          Caught in the grips of a strong attraction,
Sensing we were both of the same mold.


A compulsion had bloomed which was amply fed,
          Obscuring the path on which I was led,
Melting every time I felt her near,
          Uncertainly sure I could see things clear,
Suppressing the thought that I’d ever fold.


I started to question my lack of discipline,
          Thinking I’m crazy for this situation I’m in,
Was I deliberately not looking at the obvious?
          That she has her own agenda,….not this,
Unwilling to accept that the allure would grow old.


So many times I wanted to quit,
          Succumbing to a weakness I wouldn’t admit,
Blindly bending in any direction,
          Yearning for the next emotional erection,
Feeling the temperature warm-cold, warm-cold.


But it's time I let this dream alone,
          And try to understand what I’ve been shown,
Conceding that the trail is too elusive,
          The entrance too guarded, exclusive,
Hoping I’ll listen to what I’ve been told.


I’ve been captured by my own liberty,
          Unprepared for what the next curve would do to me,
The desire building from my imagination,
          A delusion of its own creation,
Alas, an experience I’ll treasure more than gold.


Freddie Spaghetti 
April 9, 1995

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